Post and Re-post

It occurred to me today that, though we all struggle every day to be the people we're becoming, maybe the person I want to be isn't so far away or ill-defined as I've been thinking. This isn't a new thought. I was just reading back through some old posts and was startled that some of them could literally be re-posted with just a couple names changed and be as accurate right now as they were the first time around. For example:

Jan 17, '07
I’m scared half to death. Relieved that there haven’t been terribly many fights or ugly confrontations ... Worried that I’m being unfair to [David], that ... as flawed as what we had together was, it really was the best I’ll ever get. (And isn’t that just the gooey candy center of this all? That I’m still afraid I don’t deserve any better.)

Jan 22, '07
I wish I had known years ago how much easier it is to simply ignore him in return, rather than scrabbling for morsels of his affection. I’m happier and have more time to pursue my own interests ...

Feb 1, '07
Apparently I’m a glutton for punishment, even unconsciously. Stupid emotions. Stupid guys, with their height and broad shoulders and emotional inaccessibility. Stupid dreams, making me think about it even when I’m asleep.

Am I on some kind of three year cycle here? In some ways, I almost hope I am; there are some very happy posts in the spring of '07. At the same time, there's also several months more of mulling over my relationship with Ben and much (obviously downplayed) excitement over meeting David. I'm hoping to change that part this time around. David was and still is important to me, obviously, but there's nothing in me that even approaches the bitterness and dysfunction I carried back then. I've honestly grown more than I realized in that time. And while I can't guarantee that I won't fall head-over-heels for someone new in the near future, I am much more aware of myself now and won't be mistaking desire for trust any time soon. Arguably, I'm not likely to trust anyone new for a long time now, and that's something I'll need to deal with.

In the mean time, I have my personal narrative to keep me company. Maybe it's time I started paying a bit more attention to it.