It's like watching a tennis match

or a pendulum, or a yo-yo, or some other overplayed metaphor.

This morning feels not so much like morning as it does some unnatural midnight sunrise. I just spent another sleepless night tying myself in knots over things I can't change, trying and failing to distract myself from thoughts I know will only upset me. I sincerely wish I knew how to stop doing this. The voice of my therapist in my head (a metaphor, not a creepy hallucination) tells me that, on some level, I'm choosing to dwell on these things, I need to process them, and I won't be done dwelling until I'm ready to be done. I recall this making sense at some other time, but it's decidedly unhelpful at the moment. It's eight am, sunny and clear, and I just spent the last two hours watching my bedroom wall get incrementally brighter as I got incrementally sadder.

This shit needs an off switch.

This is a negative thought pattern. It is not the sum total of my existence. I will feel better later, possibly even very soon. I have not always felt this bad. There are people who care for me, even when they're not around. Yes, I'm lecturing myself, and yes, I'm doing it on my freaking blog. It's not helping yet, but I seem to remember that it has in the past, so I'll keep at it for awhile.

But in my head, 'cause purging or no, this is sounding pretty pathetic.