Well and truly over.

I signed the last of the paperwork releasing the old apartment to Ben on Monday. With any luck, I won’t ever have to see him again.

I had no idea this would feel so good.

I’m reveling in this newfound sense of freedom. It occurs to me that not only is this the first time I’ve ever lived alone, it’s also my first time to live my life entirely on my own terms, without being responsible for or reporting to anyone else. Somehow ever since I first moved away from home there has been someone in my life to make demands or pass judgment on how I spent my time, and I never quite realized what a weight that was on me. It’s been a way of life, for as long as I can remember, to constantly look over my shoulder and double- and triple-check my motives and behaviors. The really sad thing is, I don’t think that ever made me a better person or even more responsible or productive. It just made me paranoid.

And now? The sense of freedom is almost overwhelming. There’s an almost palpable lightness, and I feel more sociable and more productive for it.

Unsurprisingly, my insomnia seems to be rising out of its seasonal hibernation. Falling asleep is taking longer each night and I’m waking up several times thought the night. Still, my dreams have been pleasant and I have enough energy to make it through the day, though my eyes are a bit puffy and people keep commenting that I look tired. Not as bad as it could be, all things considered.

The sun’s been out all week, and it’s still early enough in the year that that means it’s a pleasant temperature, though at this rate I’ll be miserable before May is out. I’m thinking of driving up to the lake this weekend to bask in it, maybe even with company. (Incredible to think that just a year ago I was frustrated and stifled and lonely, desperate to find anyone who would enjoy the same things I do. Crazy how quickly life can change.)

Okay, enough fractured thoughts. I have no transitions or even a conclusion. Done now.