In an effort to post more often:

I’m in my new place, and so far I’m loving it. My fears about not sleeping well with no one else around were apparently unfounded. I’ve fallen asleep quicker, slept deeper, and all around enjoyed myself more than I have in several years.

I never really realized how uncomfortable I had become around Ben until I was away from him for a while. I went by the old place to get one last load of things yesterday evening after my yoga class. He should have been at work, but had a last-minute shift change, so was home, and was actually on the back porch smoking when I pulled up, so I couldn’t just drive away, because he saw me as soon as I saw him… It was awful. No screaming or fighting, or anything overt, just terrible, weighty awkwardness. It was the first time I’d seen him since last Friday, and the difference was palpable. We only made eye contact a couple times (mostly because I only looked in his general direction a couple times) and kept a minimum of about five feet between us the whole time. It was especially strange since throughout the last couple months, when we were growing really distant, and even after I told him I’d be moving out, we still touched occasionally. The intense intimacy dried up a long time ago, but we stilled hugged occasionally, didn’t hesitate to bump into eachother in the kitchen, anything like that. So it felt weird to be so distant, but I really didn’t want to be any closer, and somewhere in there I realized that I really, really don’t like being around him anymore.

Afterward I dropped by Bridgett’s apartment and finished that bottle of wine while watching Lost, and it cheered me up considerably. I’m in a position that I can be finicky about the company I keep without turning into a total hermit, and that’s nice. I hung out with one of the undergrads from work earlier this week, and it was incredibly refreshing to have so much intelligent, interesting conversation. He’s knowledgeable on a wide variety of subjects, and has a very subdued, calming demeanor, and I enjoyed his company immensely. It continues to amaze me, this steady growth of my social circle and the quality of the people involved. So, so reassuring and enjoyable.

I fall asleep smiling more often than not. I’m so lucky.