Moving (again)

I got a new apartment!! *dances*

It’s smallish, and perhaps more “cramped” than “cozy,” but I like it a lot. It’s definitely a step down from my current place in terms of space, amenities, and general aesthetics, but it has one very important feature: I’m the only one who lives there. That would make up for a world of other woes.


I move in on the 3rd, and have four people with two trucks between them who have offered to help. I really have lucked out in the friends department. I’m so excited about having my own place again, and can’t wait to have dinner parties. There is the slight hangup that it’s too small for me to put in a dining table, which means we’ll all pretty much be sitting on the living room floor with plates in out laps, but I don’t think anyone will mind too much. I’m planning on making a big mess of spaghetti for my friends who help me move, so I’ll actually host my first gathering my very first night there. I’m thrilled beyond words. Can’t wait to start doing this every week or so, inviting over a few people, making a big meal, asking a couple people to bring a bottle of wine, and just spend the evening talking about whatever comes up. I’ve spent far too many years being far too antisocial; it’s time for me to start interacting again, and the best way to get over my fear of that is to do it on my own terms, in a way that lets me feel like I have a measure of control in the situation. My house, my guest list, my cooking, all things that will contribute significantly to a sense of security. Hopefully I’ll be able to create an environment there that somehow shares that sense of stability and comfort with everyone I invite over.

I can’t wait.

Life as Normal

And what does that mean, anyway? For now I suppose it means work – and since I went without posting for over three months, I suppose I should bring you all up to speed. I’m still at the university, but now I’m working as the graduate secretary in the physics department. It’s absolutely wonderful, and I love the people I work with: the other secretaries, the faculty, and most especially the students. The work itself is general secretary fare, making copies, answering phones, compiling inane, meaningless reports, etc, etc… (The King and I, anyone?) But boring as those things may be, I’m honestly helping people more often than not, and that makes the tedium more bearable. The people I work with are just plain above average intelligence, absolutely without exception. Every last one of them. It’s wonderfully refreshing, and there’s a very high geekiness factor, so people even laugh at my jokes more often than not. I can’t remember the last time that happened. And the fact that a good number of the grad students happen to be remarkably intelligent, attractive, and charming young men my age? Icing on the cake. Departmental policy stipulates that I not date them, but makes no mention of persistent flirting. It makes even the longest days pass quickly and pleasantly.

As for home life, Ben and I continue to tacitly ignore each other 90% of the time. I wish I had known years ago how much easier it is to simply ignore him in return, rather than scrabbling for morsels of his affection. I’m happier and have more time to pursue my own interests without his commentary. And his occasional guilt trips, remarkably, aren’t working. More than anything it irritates me, his pettiness and double standards. I’m very much looking forward to having my own space, making my own decisions without anyone second-guessing me.

My social horizons just keep broadening, and it amazes me every time I stop and realize how many friends I have, and what an exceptional quality of people they are. I’m very fortunate, much more so that I deserve, and I hope I can re-learn how to be the kind of friend I used to be, loyal, considerate, and generous, without falling back into some of the bad habits that came with that. My friends deserve my best, and could probably do without the neediness I’m so loathe to go back to. So, for now: Try to remember when I get home at night that I have options beyond just picking up a book, and that my friends would like to hear from me; balance listening and talking, and make more of an effort to remember what’s going on in other people’s lives; don’t assume that I’m imposing any time I call or visit. It doesn’t come naturally yet.

I’m learning, and personally, I think I’m doing a pretty good job. Thank god they’re all so patient.

The middle of the end?

Ben and I are breaking up.

(All of you out there who have been quietly biting your tongues for the past couple years can clap and cheer now. You haven't been nearly as subtle as you'd like to think, but bless you for not rubbing my nose in my bad [or even somewhat dubious] choices.)

Wow, that seems much more dramatic (and possibly traumatic) written out like that, and I don't think that even begins to sum it up. Somewhat more accurate to say that I've decided to leave him, and the choice seems so natural and obvious that neither of us can find any reason to fight it. This affair (and in retrospect, isn't that a good word for it?) has been over and done with for months now. It's only survived this long because we're both so terribly codependent and unwilling to take big risks.

Truth be told, I'm really very relieved about this. It's scary, sure, and this means very soon I'll be living by myself for the first time ever, but I think it's about damn time. The goal is to be in a new place be February, though that's not going as smoothly as I had hoped. Yes, this means that I'm moving again, for the ninth time in less than six years if anyone is keeping count. I dread the mechanics of it, packing and unpacking boxes, arranging furniture, begging help out of overly generous friends who really would rather be doing just about anything else, but I’m really looking forward to having my own place. Game nights and dinner parties without any advance warning, no one’s dirty dishes in the sink but my own, thermostat set to whatever suits me (and my budget), a welcoming, inviting place to invite friends or even *gasp* a romantic interest. (Not that I have any such thing specifically planned, but the idea is nice in the abstract.) It will be rather barren at first, but I look forward to creating my own space, without having to accommodate or justify or beg.

The emotional ramifications? I’m scared half to death. Relieved that there haven’t been terribly many fights or ugly confrontations between Ben and myself. Incredibly proud of myself that I actually had the nerve to do this. Worried that I’m being unfair to Ben, that I’ll miss him and that as flawed as what we had together was, it really was the best I’ll ever get. (And isn’t that just the gooey candy center of this all? That I’m still afraid I don’t deserve any better.)

More to come, and hopefully with less than 3 months in the interim. I was so afraid to write as I panned all of this, as if putting it on paper would steal my nerve, or commit me to something before I had time to make up my mind. No matter; who’s reading this thing anyway? The anonymous expanses of the ‘net are sure to forgive.