Dutifully blogging another sleepless night

I gave up on sleep at 5:30, thinking that there are plenty of people who regularly get up an hour before the sun. I'm not particularly thrilled to join them this morning, but at least I'm taking the time to record some of my thoughts here.

I have a pretty bleak opinion of humanity overall. It disturbs me to realize that this is so. I make light of my pessimism regularly, and though I can be perky and chipper in certain situations, anyone who knows me at all is well aware that, in general, I have a negative outlook on life and the future and pretty much everything. I've understood this about myself for long enough that I'm not particularly phased by it, and tend to think of myself as keeping it in check by being uncompromisingly positive on the topic of people. It's fundamentally disturbing to realize that that particular optimism is, at least at this point in time, a facade. I'm faking it, and poorly enough that I'm not even fooling myself right now. I don't like most people most of the time, I can't think of a single person I like all of the time, and I distrust pretty much everyone. I'm ashamed to read back over that, and that shame creates a tidy little coda for the thought: most especially, I don't like me.

Perhaps this is a temporary thing, one of those perspectives that will shift with my mood. I certainly hope so. I'm slowly coming to terms with the idea that being depressed doesn't make me a failure as a human being. I've taken to telling myself that it's okay to be kinda withdrawn and mopey, because I'm fundamentally kind and generous. But is that even true? If I fail in my actions, if I'm hostile and withdrawn (and I have been for the past couple weeks), and my heart is all twisted up with anger at humanity in general and the people around me in particular... Is there anything good in me at all?

So often I feel overwhelmed by the responsibility of simply being alive, of caring for myself from day to day. I resent the people who get to share that burden with their spouses and parents and lovers. I desperately want a partner, but I can barely trust that my closest friends actually mean it when they say they want to spend time with me. I've got this little lecture playing constantly at the back of my mind that starts off as affirming insight and ends up as bitter judgment. It's twisty and not-quite verbal, but a rough approximation would go like this: Am I taking care of myself today? If I don't take care of me, who will? I can't expect anyone to give me anything, and everybody leaves sooner or later, it's only a question of time, and I'm counting on other people way too much, they're going to see how needy I am and when I cling all I'm really doing is pushing them away, and oh god am I pushing them away even faster by being alternately needy and withdrawn, they must see through this and everyone's insecure, life's hard for them too, so they don't want to hear how bad it is for me right now, if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all, just shut up already you stupid little girl, nobody cares.

It would be fair to say that this is unhelpful. I try to stop myself each time I catch myself on these familiar little trails, but I've been failing pretty spectacularly here lately. Maybe writing it out like this will give me some distance from it. It's exhausting enough to be filled up with this vitriol without having to be on the receiving end and be shamed into silence over feeling any of it.

So in conclusion, for anyone reading this who's frustrated with my negativity and moping: me too. I wish I could promise it will get better soon, but I honestly have no idea when, or even if, and I suspect that even if I perk up for a while I'll find myself back here eventually. For what little it's worth, I am trying to repay the kindness I'm given, but I'm doing so with a heavy, bitter heart, so it's likely to seem flat and insincere. Yes, I'm fed up with you and everyone else. Yes, I'm achingly lonely. No, you can't fix it, but your patient company is the only thing that actually cuts through this mess and lets me feel anything other than bitter and lonely, even if it only feels that way about 25% of the time right now.