In which sadness and anger are really the same.

I've been feeling blue since I got back from visiting Ryan, not deeply melancholic or terribly anxious, just... down. Sad. It's February and the weather is being entirely true to form, so really that's explanation enough, but I'm a curious little creature so I keep looking for other whys. I'm tired, but restless, and there's a subtle ache that seems a bit like loneliness but hasn't been easy to soothe even with good company.

I fell asleep last night thinking of good things and the people I care for, but I dreamed of Livvy. It was another violent dream where I was cruel and said all the vicious things I wouldn't ever say aloud, won't even allow myself to think about when I'm awake. I scratched her face, held her head down, but she didn't mock or ignore me the way the people in those dreams usually do. At first she made a show of telling me she didn't know who I was, then laughed with apparent pleasure at being attacked, gave every appearance of enjoying my abuse. She seemed utterly certain of her moral high ground. I felt guilty even in the dream, aware that I was the one in the wrong and that I should have had the fortitude to just ignore her in return. We were at a party, and once I saw her I couldn't socialize with anyone else, because I was afraid they had seen the way I had treated her. I was ashamed and outcast, but there was cake, and people kept saying nice things to me, so I was more or less okay.

And now that I put the whole thing into words, it's almost too obvious to be taken seriously. I guess I hadn't realized how much this was still weighing on me, but there's nothing to be done for it now. I've been avoiding people and events that I associate with her, sticking to the parts of my life that she was never really a part of. I suppose that's really fairly limiting, since this isn't that big a town and facebook informs me we share 25 friends (a massive underestimation by my count). I'm still angry after more than a month. I'm angry at Lain too, of course, but the geography makes it much easier to ignore that. In truth, though, I haven't made time for any of the events down in Dallas that I went to last fall, and it's a tossup whether that's more about the risk of seeing Livvy or thinking about Lain.

I don't like feeling this way. I've also been feeling angry with David the past couple weeks, and I'm not sure whether to file that under "still" or "again." The last several times I've reached out to him he's made transparent excuses and dusted off the same cold, insincere apologies that were the thing I hated most about being involved with him. I wish I had more time to talk, but I've just been really busy. I'll spend the next 20 minutes telling you what I don't like about my life right now, but only if you keep your mouth shut and don't ask me about anything that has any emotional depth. Sorry. Which is a valid boundary to set, even if I don't like it, but I hate hearing it wrapped up in that bullshit "sorry," as if it's out of his control or something.

Hollow apologies and broken promises bother me in a way that little else does. They're almost a challenge to take someone at their word in spite of my experience and intuition, and I almost always take them up on it. Maybe he really is sorry this time, maybe he'll call when he as more time. But experience suggests he'll call when no one else in his life is offering him the sort comfort and support he's come expect me to give at the drop of a hat. And the worst part is, I spent the last three years training him to treat me this way. It's as much my fault as it is his.