Another new post already?

I think this must be a record. It's nothing polished or special, just cut-and-paste from a chat with Liv. (Screen names have been removed to prevent spam and such)

2:19 PM
me: Hey, speaking of mommy and daddy issues, I had a really interesting, kinda disturbing insight the other day.
livvy: ooh, yay insight
running down the hall but keep typin'!
me: I was spending some time thinking about John and how weird all of that was, feeling totally safe and at ease with him, until that one little tipping point where it became full-blown panic and hard, hard anxiety, and trying to pinpoint the change so I can understand it, because I'm pretty sure the word "trigger" applies.
And I kept coming back to the same, distressing conclusion: I'm really shallow. It's the shape of him, his weight, or more specifically, feeling smothered by being close to someone that shape. I weighed it against the men who make me feel comfortable in their arms, even when I should probably be a little afraid of them coughRyancough, and how I've always loved that fragile, bony, not-quite-there weight of long, thin arms...
It's my mom and my dad. It's completely and totally my mommy issues vs. my daddy issues.
He was so skinny, and she was so heavy, and it's ingrained in me now: fat people will love you just enough to hurt you. Skinny people are good and gentle, but will leave.
livvy: ooooooohhhh wow
me: nods I know, right?
livvy: it's AMAZING how programmed that is, isn't it?
like, rachael's still the ONLY limerent object i've ever had that had blue eyes
b/c blueeyed people WANT TO GET YOU.
me: laugh Yeah, exactly.
Ben's the only blond I've ever spent any time considering. There's no way it's a coincidence that that's what I chose for myself when I finally decided to leave Ryan in the past.
The tall, skinny, dark-haired never there for the soft, round, blond who will hurt me in all the familiar ways.
kicks unconscious
livvy: why does terror/trauma turn into attraction?

...And neither of us had a good answer.