Sad, silly girl.

Funny how connotation can be everything, and how much it changes with context. Pretty sad just at the moment, yeah. And it turns out I’m really fucking silly. No surprise on either count, really.

This is what it looks like when my confidence has been shaken.

We finally talked about it, addressed it head on, and, yeah, all that stuff I was so afraid of was suddenly right there in front of me, playing out in my living room. “Maybe it would be… more reasonable… if we just hung out, and not…” And this time he didn’t even need to finish, the vaguery left more kindness than confusion. It is, as he said, entirely reasonable, prudent even, a wise course of action. And wisdom is apparently much more important now than it was a month ago. All I can think is I wish I felt the same.

I don’t want to be as shaken by this as I am. Some reaction is to be expected, a bit of regret, a nagging worry that I’ve just been rejected. But I’m crying, and I don’t like that. I’m angry, frustrated, and I’m not sure how proportionate the reaction is. Just hang out? We’ll see how well I do with that, but at the moment I look at his face and see something other than a friend, stand close to him and just want to be closer. Simple little things that were a joy change so quickly into a nuisance and an embarrassment. And I’m still crying.

This calls for whiskey, a hot bath, and then bed once I’ve crossed from maudlin to apathetic.