Waiting...

Well, I still don’t have a new apartment and don’t know when I will. But there is good news, and it involves neither an amphibian nor insurance of any kind. We were able to pro-rate through the first weekend of the month in our old apartment, which means that I am not, at this point in time, homeless. Heavenly choirs sung, the sun shone down, and I even did a little dance of glee when I found out. Of course, we’re living out of boxes and tripping all over each other, but we’re doing it in the comfort of our own home, so we’re not complaining.

I talked to the manager at the new apartment this morning, and got the same old “I’ll call you when the paperwork is ready.” I’m sure I’m driving her nuts calling her everyday, and I really don’t care. For some strange reason I don’t really have a strong sense of trust or confidence with these people. Can’t imagine why.

Updates in my personal life include increased allocation of time to my vegetarian friends (God bless the hippies, they challenge my assumptions and remind me that not being a consumerist whore is not only possible, but worthwhile) and an uncomfortable distance between B and myself. We’re both stressed out from the apartment situation and his work is taking up a lot of his time and emotional energy, but honestly, I think there’s more than just that going on. He encourages me to spend more time with my friends, read new books and grow as a person, and yet he doesn’t seem to want to do any of these things himself. He says he’s proud of me, and curious about what’s going on with me, and yet he turns a deaf ear when I try to share new ideas or insights. I’m frustrated and verging on fed up. He’s just as intelligent and capable as I am, but you’d never know that by listening to him. All I can get him to talk about is his damn video game, and he refuses to read any new books, even when I beg. When I try to talk to him about it and address the issue head-on, he makes excuses, tells me how much smarter I am than him and how he just cant’ retain knowledge the same way I do. I know full well that’s not true, but even if it were, I would love to see him at least make the effort. I’m bored and intellectually stifled, and just desperate to find new ideas, new dreams, new concepts and ways of looking at the world. And damnit, I am finding them, but it’s driving a wedge between us.

I’m so attracted to intelligence, to a man who can challenge my mind with new ideas and perspectives. It’s sexy, it’s exciting, and it’s really the primary thing I look for in any kind of relationship. I get bored with out it. And right now, I’m bored with him, and I hate myself for it. He’s good to me, loves me and does his best to take care of me and encourage me in all things, but he’s setting himself below me right now, and as much as I hate it I’m starting to see him that way myself. I know, without a doubt, that he’s capable of as much as I am. It’s what drew me to him in the first place, was so stark and undeniable that I was attracted to him against my better judgment, and I know full well I didn’t just imagine it. I don’t know what’ going on with him right now, if this is another aspect of the depression, some lack of confidence or even just laziness, but whatever it is, I’m sick of it. There are attractive, intelligent men in my life who I have to hold at arm’s length for fear of developing some attachment, and I know it wouldn’t even be an issue if I was getting some of the same at home.

I miss the way we used to talk to eachother. I miss the way he challenged me, gave me something new to think about every time we talked. I know that emotional intensity fades over time, but I didn’t think it would be the same with intellectual intensity. I want so badly to be captivated, or even a little bit intrigued. Instead I’m just bored and starting to resent it. It’s one thing to not be physically attracted to someone anymore, but to not be intellectually attracted… I don’t know how long I can live with that.