I've noticed myself being unnecessarily negative over the past couple months, more consistently than I would like. It occurred to me today that I've been neglecting the fake-it-til-you-make-it principle, which is both good and bad, I suppose. It's an implicit gesture of trust for me to be negative with someone; I'm keeping it real, as the kids still insist upon saying. This is especially good in a time where I'm exploring romantic options. I really don't want to start something new giving the impression that I'm a bottomless source of joy and positivity. Patently untrue, and given even a bit of positive reinforcement I'll try to live up to it. I think I've explored quite thoroughly just how well that doesn't work. So I know up front that Brian can deal with my sharp tongue and (overly) critical insights on everything around me.

Yes, faithful readers, that is a new name. And a new thing, rather undefined at the moment, which is... uncomfortable, but probably better for me than those rigorously-defined commitments I tend to favor. He's intelligent and keeps a slow social schedule, which makes for a good combination. He's also kind to me and pays enough attention to the things I say and do to draw reasonable conclusions about what I'm feeling and what I want. Consistently, so far. If he can keep that up, we'll keep this up. And I guess that's the way the early bit of a relationship is supposed to go, instead of professions of loyalty at the first spark of attraction. So, agenda item 2: Don't sabotage this prematurely. Item 2b: Enjoy it exactly as it is. Item 3: Keep my eyes open and re-evaluate with time. Item 4: Try, very, very hard, to be consistently open and honest, and not mold myself into some assumed image of what I think he's looking for. Seriously, it's time to get over that.

So what's item 1, you ask? Time to try on those fake smiles, most especially with my established friends who've proved they love me as I am. Item 1b is to keep in mind that I'm doing it more for myself than anyone else. It's worked in the past, and I think this might be a good time for it. I got an email from Clark earlier today and found myself a bit too self-conscious and nervous about my reply; I decided to just go with it, spent an absurd amount of time polishing my witticisms, editing to make sure the tone was just so, light and giddy and affectionate. And I feel better just for having written it. Though it was a stretch to find that tone in the first place, it ended up feeling more natural by the time I was done that my grump and snark have lately. It's as honest as being grumpy, possibly more so. I appreciate Clark's friendship, I want to be kind to him and brighten his day whenever possible.

I'll be meeting Josh and possibly Kate for dinner here in a bit; I'll start the night with big smiles and see if they don't come easier by the time the night's over.