Growth

It’s been a while, and I don’t know if anyone is still checking in here, but if you are… Well. You know already that you’re appreciated even when I disappear, right? I’ve said it often enough, and it feels redundant and somewhat hollow to just keep apologizing. I’m lucky for my friends, that there are people in this world patient enough to stick around through years of my mood swings and capriciousness. And pedantry.

There’s a smile there at the end, and on a better day I’d be able to make the words themselves convey that, but just at the moment I’m not going to spend enough time rewriting to make my tone clear, but instead just tell you. I’m happy. I’m also slightly overwhelmed by my good fortune and by the responsibilities I’ve chosen to take on. I’ve been given more than I know how to accept and bitten off a bit more than I can chew, but I’m determined to make the most of it.

I’m back in school. It’s taken four years and the humility of accepting my mother’s money (which, truth be told, she can finally afford so I don’t feel as guilty I might have in the past), not to mention a considerable measure of emotional energy. I’d forgotten how terrifying it is for me. There’s nowhere I’m more qualified or better-equipped than a classroom, and at the same time it terrifies me beyond my ability to explain. All those eyes on me, the potential for judgment, the need to prove myself not only informed and insightful but also socially graceful, all these things press on me with a near physical weight as soon as I walk in the door, make me clumsy and awkward. But when we discuss characters and social context I do know what I’m talking about, when political events are linked to contemporary philosophers I have insight past what I’m being spoon-fed, and it feels good to get back to what I’m best at after having been away so long.

Work is going remarkably well, and though my boss and I butt heads more often than I’d like and I know my attitude isn’t always what it should be, I’m confident I’m doing a good job. And, ignoring the possible patheticness of the admission, they like me, they really like me! The students, the professors, even the other staff, all seem to be pleased by the job I’m doing and enjoy my company during the day. It feels so good to be appreciated that I almost don’t know how to respond. My social circle continues to grow, both in number of people and in emotional depth. I had forgotten the feeling of seeing my friends on a daily basis, the ease and comfort of spending time together without having to plan for it. It is, to me, the most basic and essential pleasure, and keeping that in mind it’s not at all surprising to me that I’ve been so despondent for the past several years. How could I not be, with all my friends and everyone I care about so far away from me, our only contact carried out in hurried phone calls, half-ignored instant messaging, and the occasional stolen bit of time together that always manages to feel stilted and contrived despite everyone’s best efforts? My old friends are so precious to me, and I love them with a depth that only comes from years of mutual loyalty. No one new can know all the backstory that Rachel and Melissa do, have the effortless insight that Lilah and Jacob always surprise me with. But Bridgett, David and Chris are here with me, day to day, they get to see first-hand the mundane realities of my life. They get to see the slump in my shoulders when a week has been a little too long, to respond to my emotional needs with thoughtless, helpful gestures that make hard days easier to bear and good ones even better. And I love them for it already. Not the same love I have for the people who knew me through my misery and stuck with me despite it, but a real love all the same, and there was a time that I shared this same easy association with them.

Love. It’s a big word, and over-used to the point of being trite and hollow, but it’s important nevertheless. I’m getting more comfortable with it, not letting it rule me or excluding it from my mental vocabulary in an effort to avoid melodrama. I feel a small, simple love for my new friends, something basic and unembellished and essential, and just feeling it makes me grow, makes me more of the person I want to be. With one in particular that feeling is growing more profound, soothing anxieties and motivating simple changes. It scares me a bit even as it excites me, and I’m cautious of the feeling, a bit untrusting, but can’t and won’t deny it. He is exceptional and I am grateful for him. And doing my best to keep an open mind about what will be, not ruin this for either of us with anxiety or presumption. I think he’s doing the same.

And I think I’ve typed enough for one sitting. There’s more to say, and I hope I’ll get back here to say it in the next couple days. If I don’t (and even if I do) you are all welcome as always to call me, give me a piece of your mind for being so distant and unreachable. It might even make my day.