I've noticed myself being unnecessarily negative over the past couple months, more consistently than I would like. It occurred to me today that I've been neglecting the fake-it-til-you-make-it principle, which is both good and bad, I suppose. It's an implicit gesture of trust for me to be negative with someone; I'm keeping it real, as the kids still insist upon saying. This is especially good in a time where I'm exploring romantic options. I really don't want to start something new giving the impression that I'm a bottomless source of joy and positivity. Patently untrue, and given even a bit of positive reinforcement I'll try to live up to it. I think I've explored quite thoroughly just how well that doesn't work. So I know up front that Brian can deal with my sharp tongue and (overly) critical insights on everything around me.

Yes, faithful readers, that is a new name. And a new thing, rather undefined at the moment, which is... uncomfortable, but probably better for me than those rigorously-defined commitments I tend to favor. He's intelligent and keeps a slow social schedule, which makes for a good combination. He's also kind to me and pays enough attention to the things I say and do to draw reasonable conclusions about what I'm feeling and what I want. Consistently, so far. If he can keep that up, we'll keep this up. And I guess that's the way the early bit of a relationship is supposed to go, instead of professions of loyalty at the first spark of attraction. So, agenda item 2: Don't sabotage this prematurely. Item 2b: Enjoy it exactly as it is. Item 3: Keep my eyes open and re-evaluate with time. Item 4: Try, very, very hard, to be consistently open and honest, and not mold myself into some assumed image of what I think he's looking for. Seriously, it's time to get over that.

So what's item 1, you ask? Time to try on those fake smiles, most especially with my established friends who've proved they love me as I am. Item 1b is to keep in mind that I'm doing it more for myself than anyone else. It's worked in the past, and I think this might be a good time for it. I got an email from Clark earlier today and found myself a bit too self-conscious and nervous about my reply; I decided to just go with it, spent an absurd amount of time polishing my witticisms, editing to make sure the tone was just so, light and giddy and affectionate. And I feel better just for having written it. Though it was a stretch to find that tone in the first place, it ended up feeling more natural by the time I was done that my grump and snark have lately. It's as honest as being grumpy, possibly more so. I appreciate Clark's friendship, I want to be kind to him and brighten his day whenever possible.

I'll be meeting Josh and possibly Kate for dinner here in a bit; I'll start the night with big smiles and see if they don't come easier by the time the night's over.

Monday is for poetry

At least for the rest of this semester.

Today is a better day for perspective and poetry than I've had in a while. I know exactly why, though I don't have time to explore it just at the moment. Class starts soon, and I don't want to spend my whole evening in the computer lab.

Looking at Permeable (which may soon be retitled; right now I'm thinking Needle, since ambiguous noun/verbs are so much fun), I'm still dissatisfied but I can see why and have some idea what to do about it. The pacing at the start of the third stanza is all wrong; it needs more time to build to the frenetic rush of overwhelming, incomprehensible syllables. Not sure how to do that just yet, but I've got some ideas and I'm working on it.

Stanza 4 is powerful as a single line, but almost too cliched to stand alone, so I brought back a bit I'd cut from 3 and hopefully smoothed that transition a bit:

______
They’re only words, after all.
Exhaustion, indecision, insomnia;
the writers’ disease.

So I carve deep into their pathogen
until only pathos remains,
______

And I need something more there, another transition before I'm ready for cats and poetry. I know the gist of it; I need a source of perspective, something to motivate the sudden shift in tone. What's changed? More to the point, why has it changed? Did I learn something, find some peace, just give up? I think it's a little of all of that, and something more as well, something that maybe I don't understand yet and won't be able to write until I do. I think fear has something to do with it, and also maybe authority.

I just love that word. Authority. It needs its own poem. It's a hinge-point in my half-finished villanelle History Of Now. "...and then learned to say we. // It's you with my authority..." I can't remember the rest of that stanza (which means it's probably not worth keeping in its current state), but the basic idea is exploring the sentence "We are." Perhaps it would be worth breaking it out of its meter and seeing how far it could go.

Another little snatch of verse, started yesterday and will likely have some pals to travel with by the end of the week:

______
Promised myself something new,
certain stumbling blocks left behind.
Soft skin against my palms is still
soft skin, and there's nothing new about
my ink-stained hands. Stumbling
to my knees again, salty taste of spring.
Shallow, maybe, but there's so many
uses for skin.
______

Too much repetition right now, and not elegant enough to be a theme, but it feels like it has plenty of room to grow.

Going camping!

And I have about 10 minutes before I need to leave, so this'll have to be quick. I went to bed at 8 last night, got up at 7:30 this morning feeling really good. Baked bread, packed, listened to some good music and overall enjoyed myself for the last several hours. Not that this is earth-shattering or anything, it just deserved mention after that post yesterday. Have to keep things in perspective.

I've noticed alot of hyperbole and superlatives in my thoughts and language here lately. Something to ponder while I'm in the woods for the next couple days. After I get home (and shower) I'm going to try to do some last-minute birthday celebrating. Hopefully that'll work out well.