It's like watching a tennis match

or a pendulum, or a yo-yo, or some other overplayed metaphor.

This morning feels not so much like morning as it does some unnatural midnight sunrise. I just spent another sleepless night tying myself in knots over things I can't change, trying and failing to distract myself from thoughts I know will only upset me. I sincerely wish I knew how to stop doing this. The voice of my therapist in my head (a metaphor, not a creepy hallucination) tells me that, on some level, I'm choosing to dwell on these things, I need to process them, and I won't be done dwelling until I'm ready to be done. I recall this making sense at some other time, but it's decidedly unhelpful at the moment. It's eight am, sunny and clear, and I just spent the last two hours watching my bedroom wall get incrementally brighter as I got incrementally sadder.

This shit needs an off switch.

This is a negative thought pattern. It is not the sum total of my existence. I will feel better later, possibly even very soon. I have not always felt this bad. There are people who care for me, even when they're not around. Yes, I'm lecturing myself, and yes, I'm doing it on my freaking blog. It's not helping yet, but I seem to remember that it has in the past, so I'll keep at it for awhile.

But in my head, 'cause purging or no, this is sounding pretty pathetic.

Post and Re-post

It occurred to me today that, though we all struggle every day to be the people we're becoming, maybe the person I want to be isn't so far away or ill-defined as I've been thinking. This isn't a new thought. I was just reading back through some old posts and was startled that some of them could literally be re-posted with just a couple names changed and be as accurate right now as they were the first time around. For example:

Jan 17, '07
I’m scared half to death. Relieved that there haven’t been terribly many fights or ugly confrontations ... Worried that I’m being unfair to [David], that ... as flawed as what we had together was, it really was the best I’ll ever get. (And isn’t that just the gooey candy center of this all? That I’m still afraid I don’t deserve any better.)

Jan 22, '07
I wish I had known years ago how much easier it is to simply ignore him in return, rather than scrabbling for morsels of his affection. I’m happier and have more time to pursue my own interests ...

Feb 1, '07
Apparently I’m a glutton for punishment, even unconsciously. Stupid emotions. Stupid guys, with their height and broad shoulders and emotional inaccessibility. Stupid dreams, making me think about it even when I’m asleep.

Am I on some kind of three year cycle here? In some ways, I almost hope I am; there are some very happy posts in the spring of '07. At the same time, there's also several months more of mulling over my relationship with Ben and much (obviously downplayed) excitement over meeting David. I'm hoping to change that part this time around. David was and still is important to me, obviously, but there's nothing in me that even approaches the bitterness and dysfunction I carried back then. I've honestly grown more than I realized in that time. And while I can't guarantee that I won't fall head-over-heels for someone new in the near future, I am much more aware of myself now and won't be mistaking desire for trust any time soon. Arguably, I'm not likely to trust anyone new for a long time now, and that's something I'll need to deal with.

In the mean time, I have my personal narrative to keep me company. Maybe it's time I started paying a bit more attention to it.

We all know how I feel about hope, right?

I think maybe, just maybe, I see the pieces starting to fall into place, and soon enough I'll remember that sense of resolution, that particular self-possession and self-control it took me so long to cultivate.

I feel like myself today. And I did the day before yesterday as well. And, I think, several times over the last week. That's a strange, vaguely agrammatical thing to say, but my overarching aversion to optimism won't allow me to clarify it much more, even in my own mind.

I'm looking forward to the holidays, confident that I will see people I love and that they will be happy to see me. I honestly can't say whether or not that's happened before (my confidence, of course, being the thing which is so often lacking). There will be hugs and laughter and long nights with nothing better to do than talk until the sun comes up. If I'm perfectly honest with myself, I can't imagine anything better than that.

Can you hear me smiling, internets?